Mary L. Devine is the author of the new memoir Standing Up: Making the Best Out of Surviving the Worst. Also an investigator for the State of Delaware, she lives in Middletown, Delaware.
Q: Why did you decide to write Standing Up?
A: I’m not sure I ever set out to write Standing Up. The story evolved, morphing into something completely different from what I originally imagined. I first began writing as a way to heal, but I found myself watering down the details—out of shame and fear of what people might say.
For eight years, I bounced between different versions of my story, often shelving it for the summer or until I finished X (fill in the blank). As I worked through the details of my abuse and revisited how it all unfolded—along with the emotions I felt at the time—what I began to feel wasn’t sadness or pain, but a sense of accomplishment.
I didn’t see myself as a victim, and I didn’t want to be seen as one. The story changed, and so did the title.
My intention shifted, too. I started writing with a renewed purpose: to encourage other battered women to take a deeper look at themselves, hoping they might consider taking just one step—literally or metaphorically—toward the door.
That’s how I left, and looking back, taking small steps would have made it feel a little less overwhelming. Once I caught a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, it was euphoric—I became obsessed with that feeling.
My story went from sad-sack to badass as I reflected on how I recovered.
Q: The Kirkus Review of the book called it a “tense, revealing, and absorbing look at a varied, complex relationship with domestic violence.” What do you think of that description?
A: When I first saw the review, I felt grateful. I had struggled with whether to be raw and brutally honest, but I knew it was necessary. The watered-down versions felt boring and pointless.
Once I described the abuse that happened on any given day, it became more relatable. It was easier to see how it could happen to anyone—why women stayed, what happened when they tried to leave, and the marks it left on their bodies and hearts.
Domestic violence is complex. There are dynamics within the family that keep it going, until one day, you stop being yourself—you become his.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: The original title was Perfectly Broken, but as the manuscript evolved, the title no longer fit. In short, I didn’t change the title—my publisher, She Writes Press, did.
I was asked to describe what the book was about and the image I wanted to convey. The image that came to mind was a journey from darkness into light, weakness into strength, and chaos into calm.
I prefer something simple and concrete, so, combined with the cover design, Standing Up – Making the Best of Surviving the Worst became the perfect fit.
I love it and can’t imagine it being called anything else.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write this book, and what do you hope readers take away from it?
A: I hope that, in some small way, my book helps break the stigma around domestic abuse. The truth is, abuse doesn’t follow any social, economic, or racial boundaries—it can happen to anyone, regardless of background, education, or gender.
And while things like financial dependence, kids, substance abuse, or infidelity can play a role, I’ve found that, more often, it comes down to insecurity and hope.
Hope was my four-letter word. I kept believing that the fights were caused by outside stress—money struggles, job pressures, family interference. I told myself that as soon as we got past this challenge, everything would be okay.
But the hard truth is, there is always something else. Unless the abuser gets professional help or the victim leaves, it never ends well.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: I have another book in mind and can’t wait to get started, but it’s still in the planning stages, as I lavish a little while in the fruits of my labors.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: Yes. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 20 people are physically abused by intimate partners every minute. This equates to more than 10 million abuse victims annually in the United States.
If you feel unsafe in your home, I encourage you to take the self-assessment at the back of my book to help determine if you may be a victim of domestic violence.
If you check off three to five warning signs of abuse, please refer to the resource pages in the back of the book. Save the helpline numbers in your phone—consider using a code name for privacy—and reach out when you are in a safe place.
And of course, if you are in immediate danger, call 911.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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