Marian Sandmaier is the author of the new book I'll Be Awesome Tomorrow: A Memoir of Chasing Perfection & Letting Go. Her other books include Original Kin. She lives in the Philadelphia area.
Q: What inspired you to write I’ll Be Awesome Tomorrow?
A: Several years ago, I became aware that I was still vulnerable to occasional but intense bouts of self-castigation, often about relatively minor gaffes. I wondered: Why did I still go so quickly to self-blame, and was there some way to become kinder to myself?
I began to write the memoir to try to find some answers to those questions—or at least a little more clarity. At the start of the writing process, I wasn’t aware that my bouts of self-criticism were rooted in perfectionism.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: The title, I’ll Be Awesome Tomorrow, speaks to our difficulty giving up on perfectionism, even though the quest to be flawless is a hopeless one. We tell ourselves: “If I wasn’t amazingly successful today, well, let me try again tomorrow!” We keep hoping and striving because we believe that perfection is the only route to being a worthwhile human being.
Q: The writer Mary Pipher called the book “beautiful and heartbreakingly honest”—what do you think of that description?
A: That was big for me. First of all, I was deeply honored that Mary Pipher described my book that way. She is one of my writing heroes. I was very touched by her words, “heartbreakingly honest.” More than anything, I wanted this book to reflect my authentic experience, which meant plunging the reader into some pivotal moments in my life that I’d never shared with anyone before.
Throughout the writing, I wondered whether people would be shocked and appalled—and ultimately think less of me.
Instead, nearly every reader who’s gotten in touch with me has thanked me for being real and forthcoming about my experiences, because it’s helped them to feel less alone with the parts of themselves they still have trouble feeling compassion for. And it’s given them hope that they can move past their shame and embrace the person they are.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write this book, and what do you hope readers will take away from it?
A: I wrote a lot about my childhood and adolescence, and I think it helped me get in touch with the young girl that’s still inside me--the shy, lonely kid who’s still crying out for unconditional love and acceptance.
Once I connected with that young girl, I began to feel caring and protectiveness toward the part of me that still, to this day, longs to feel loved for who she is.
What I hope readers take away from the book: If you’ve ever struggled with trying to be flawless—in your career, appearance, personality, relationships, anything at all--I hope this book will help you to choose a gentler, more self-embracing path.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: Publicizing the book, of course! And after that, I hope to spend some time just taking it easy. I worked on this book for several years, often six days a week, and I need a break!
I want to breathe in and savor the ordinary moments of life, with minimal deadlines of any kind. The prospect of experiencing that kind of spaciousness feels—dare I say it—awesome.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: There are some tough scenes in this book, no question. But there is also a lot of humor and joy. I tried to convey life’s delights and inherent goofiness as well as its challenges. To readers: please let me know if I’ve succeeded! If not, I’ll try to accept my imperfectly comic self.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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