Linda Bass is the author of the new book A Tiny White Light: A Memoir of a Mind in Crisis. She worked in the workforce development field for 30 years, and she lives in Western Massachusetts.
Q: What inspired you to write this memoir?
A: My peak/transcendent experience and the psychotic episode that followed about a month later were together probably the most fascinating experience of my life (so far) and my goal was to depict it as accurately as possible.
I didn’t intend to write a memoir at first—my primary goal wasn’t to share my life or reveal all about myself. In fact, worried about the potential impact on my career, I originally wrote it in third person, changed names, and considered using a pen name and publishing it as fiction.
In the end, I decided I wanted readers to understand it was a true story, and so it evolved into a memoir written in first person and using my actual name as author.
The content of my psychosis was meaningful and could be traced back to elements of my family’s dysfunction, my brother’s experience while schizophrenic, my dreams, and my therapist’s own phobia, which he had inadvertently disclosed to me.
Although A Tiny White Light is written as a story, I conceived of the book as a case history of sorts that would show how these threads converged with stressful life circumstances to contribute to my psychotic break.
I hoped the book might be of value to anyone whose life has been touched by mental illness, either their own, or that of friends, family, or colleagues, but that it might also be of particular interest to clinical psychologists and other psychotherapists—to see that psychotic content can be useful in identifying underlying issues and might even suggest new forms of treatment to help clients find their way back to themselves.
Finally, over the years, I’ve read many accounts of psychosis/mental crises, and have often felt that much was left hidden, glossed over, or treated as simple misfiring of synapses in the brain—gobbledygook, which was not my experience at all. Instead there was an inner logic to it all, even though it was at a sort of precognitive level.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: I went to see Sam, a clinical psychologist, to be hypnotized to help me quit smoking, but I had other issues I needed to talk about, and after a couple of sessions he suggested we try an unguided hypnosis to see what came up.
A white light appeared to me, a tiny one that floated down to my hands. I thought it symbolized life or vitality, and that I was meant to absorb it, but I couldn’t—it had nothing to do with me. Now I think it might have represented my very soul.
The book is about my psychotic episode and its precursors, but at base it’s also about my search for meaning and a sense of purpose.
Q: The writer Dori Ostermiller said of the book, “Truly the most authentic, disturbing and riveting description of psychosis I’ve ever read, barring perhaps Jack Kerouac’s depiction of alcoholic psychosis in his memoir Big Sur.” What do you think of that description?
A: I loved that she found the depiction “authentic” and “riveting,” and I’m unsure about “disturbing.” Since the reader is immersed in my psychotic point of view, it might literally have felt disturbing as she read.
But also I think some readers, knowing I wasn’t myself, might have worried about my children’s well-being. But as a mother I was always protective of my kids, even during that experience.
Regarding Jack Kerouac’s book—I immediately bought it so see what she meant, but (apologies to Kerouac fans) found it unreadable. Apparently he’s controversial these days, but still he is iconic, representative of the newly developing counterculture of his time.
I’m guessing Dori was reacting specifically to how well his stream-of-consciousness approach conveyed the interior of his psychosis. Overall I thought her comment was a pretty glowing testament about my book and I appreciated that very much.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write the book, and what do you hope readers take away from it?
A: I didn’t write this for catharsis, although I suppose I feel relieved that I no longer have to keep what happened to me a secret. But as I wrote I was revisited with shame, mostly for falling in love with my therapist—it was so cliché—but also for the psychosis itself, even though it was beyond my control.
Despite those feelings, the psychologist in me felt compelled to write this story—to help others understand what the experience was like, what led up to it, and that it could be overcome.
And that, I suppose, is the biggest takeaway—that someone can have an extreme experience like this and yet still go on to live a successful, contented life.
The book also underlines the toll that emotional abuse takes on children—in some cases taking their very lives, and in others, relegating them to the ongoing pain inflicted by internalized messages that undermine relationships, careers, and their sense of well-being, unless they are able to get the help they need.
On a societal level, I think we need to broaden our approaches to treating mental disorders. Acutely distressed people are still primarily medicated and/or housed temporarily in psychiatric facilities to keep them safe, busy, and manageable, but we need better long-term therapeutic solutions so they have the opportunity to be their fully functioning selves.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: Honestly, my life is still consumed with publishing-related activities, but my intention is to fine-tune and publish a compilation of short stories I’ve written over the years, and then I plan to write another longer form work, a novel or another memoir.
The short stories are lighter or at least more humorous than A Tiny White Light, but, alas, I am still me, so there’s some darkness floating around in them, too!
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: If readers are interested in learning more, they can check out my author website: https://lindabass.com. I’m also an artist. Readers can see my work on my art website: https://lindabassart.com.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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