Photo by Jewel Afflerbaugh
Kate King is the author of the new book Mend or Move On: A Guide to Healing or Leaving Toxic Relationships. She is a therapist, and her other books include The Radiant Life Project.
Q: What inspired you to write Mend or Move On?
A: It is no secret that the collective seems to be alight with controversy on the topics of no contact and estrangement.
As a clinician, my prerogative is to take a systemic perspective on the topic, meaning that I perceive the relational struggles many people are moving through as being related to longstanding beliefs, patterns, and messages stemming from their family of origin.
As adults, many people come to realize that certain relationships they thought would be in their lives forever actually have wildly unhealthy undercurrents that must be brought into the light.
It is at this juncture that many people consider the difficult question of whether the relationship that feels both important and also harmful can be healed, or if it must be ended.
Mend or Move On is the culmination of my nearly 20 years in clinical practice as a psychotherapist and decades of personal experience living within a profoundly toxic, dysfunctional family of origin that led me to finally choose estrangement with certain family members I could not find healthy repair with.
As I navigated my own healing layers through the years, I encountered research and psychological information surrounding family estrangement and relational dysfunction that led me to further clinical training on the topic to support the many clients who came to me with relational issues like this.
I knew eventually I would write a therapeutic guide on this topic, but I waited to write this book until the grief, confusion, and pain of my own familial estrangement was healed to the extent where I could guide others without my projections and unhealed material getting in the way.
It is my hope that the personal and clinical work infused in the pages of Mend or Move On will be a guiding light for those who may be at the difficult, perplexing choice point between whether to stay or go in relationships that have caused a great deal of pain and suffering for them.
Q: How would you define a toxic relationship, and what would you say are some of the most common perceptions and misconceptions about them?
A: At the beginning of Mend or Move On I share dictionary definitions as well as my own definitions to help my readers gain clarity about what “toxic” really means.
My definition of “toxic relationship” is as follows: “A connection between individuals that promotes disease, unwellness, and/or trauma due to its harmful qualities to the mind, body, heart, or soul. Participants may be toxic in their behaviors, personalities, or qualities, or the dynamic itself may have become toxic without necessitating toxicity in personalities of the participants themselves outside of the bond.”
One of the common misperceptions about toxic relationships is that people often label a person or a relationship as being “toxic” when in fact it is only misaligned.
Not every relationship that’s not working is toxic. Simple incongruity is also possible, and there can be seasons where a relationship is meant to last, and others where it is healthiest for it to end. That can happen even if a relationship lacks toxicity.
To help readers discern, I share three qualities that are present in toxic relationships—if your relationship has one or all of these qualities, it would, in my definition, qualify as toxic:
Consistency and persistence: The harmful, dysfunctional behavior is not a one-off experience. It happens regularly in an ongoing fashion.
Truly harmful to the mind and body: The relationship dynamic is abusive, intrusive, cruel, and painful in the way it harms you. It’s more than an irritation or annoyance.
Twisty-turny, Pushy-pully: Excuse my non-clinical terminology, but this one is hard to explain. It’s the visceral experience of a person’s body reacting to relational toxicity. There’s a tension, an internally sick feeling, a push-pull discomfort that can manifest differently for everyone.
Another common misperception about toxic relationships is that people believe they can heal the relationship alone even if their counterpart refuses to change. This often happens with a person who takes false ownership over the entirety of the relational discord, believing that if only they can find the magical ingredient, everything will be better.
Toxic relationships don’t heal like that. In my belief and experience, repair and healing can only happen if the toxicity between people ceases to exist through their individual and shared inner work.
Both people must work to heal the trauma that contributes to the dysfunction, look honestly at themselves and one another to discern the roots of the issue, and get curious about how the dynamic has developed unhealthy patterns of behavior between them. Without mutual commitment to healing, I have not seen healthy repair be possible.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: To honor the delicacy of this topic, I wanted to be very clear with my book that I am not encouraging estrangement as a fix-all for any relationship that feels imperfect or misaligned.
Rather, I chose the title Mend or Move On so readers would know that they always have a choice, they are never stuck, and different circumstances fit into both the “mend” and the “move on” buckets.
This book is full of the nuance and complexity related to the topic of dysfunctional, toxic relationships. It is not a one-size-fits-all guide to slashing all relationships down with a machete.
Instead, it asks readers to take a deeper look into themselves, the people they choose to connect with, and the patterns and behaviors of their lives that may contribute to co-creating relationship dynamics that harm them.
I speak about the “mend or move on choice point” as a fork in the road where readers get to make a profound, empowered choice: re-commit to the relationship by digging into efforts for repair, or acknowledge the toxicity in the connection and choose to end it with dignity and respect for all involved.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write this book, and what do you hope readers take away from it?
A: I absolutely loved writing this book. It felt like it streamed through me. In my heart of hearts I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, respect, and compassion in their relationships – especially in the most intimate, vulnerable connections.
Writing about how to discern healthy from unhealthy, toxic from misaligned… it feels like important work in this modern era where so many people are digging deep and working on their personal growth.
In my own life, the impact of healing my relational wounds from my family of origin and bundling the pearls of wisdom I’ve learned into this book has been incredibly impactful for me.
It makes me feel empowered and motivated to continue supporting the movement towards positive self-worth and inner strength in everyone. These are complex topics, but I truly believe the collective is ready.
My hope is that readers also feel empowered and strong, finding these qualities within themselves as they navigate their most challenging relationships and ultimately move towards peace and freedom.
For many, leaving toxic relationships can be the fight of their life. For me it certainly was. I hope readers in such an experience derive support and sustenance from my book that positively contributes to their journey, regardless of whether they ultimately decide to “mend” or “move on.”
Q: What are you working on now?
A: As an entrepreneur I always have projects in the works, but currently bringing Mend or Move On into the world is the work I feel most excited about. I am enjoying having meaningful conversations on various podcasts, speaking on live TV nationwide, and continuing to write and teach this powerful, life-transforming work.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: Relationships are complex and imperfect. It is important that we all respect that perfection is not the goal, and imperfection does not doom a relationship to failure.
The truth lies somewhere in the messy territory of doing your best when it comes to expressing your needs, supporting a reciprocal give-and-take, and leaning-in for repair when your relationship bobbles; this means getting more comfortable with setting boundaries, communicating in healthy ways, navigating apologies and forgiveness, and offering one another grace.
Even if a person chooses to end a relationship, it doesn’t mean that they need to feel hateful or hold on to resentment. Just as repair is imperfect, cutting contact also has its wiggly bits—and that’s ok.
We must all practice being kind to ourselves as we navigate the tricky terrain of improving and repairing relationships, and the equally challenging work of ending them. I hope readers will offer themselves the patience and internal support that bolsters and elevates them, even as they dig deep into this sometimes uncomfortable work.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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