Q&A with Leah Fisher

 

Photo by Aileen Schier

 

 

Leah Fisher is the author of the new book My Marriage Sabbatical: A Memoir of Solo Travel and Lasting Love. Also a psychotherapist, she lives in the Bay Area.

 

Q: What inspired you to write this memoir?

 

A: I started writing this memoir a year after I returned from my year of solo travel. Before I left home, a poet friend suggested I keep a journal while I traveled and “include a lot of detail.”

 

I wanted to write about my experience for several reasons. For starters, I was incredibly proud of myself for finding the courage to travel on my own. As someone who had been afraid to leave home and generally nervous about being alone, traveling solo was a big deal.

 

It wasn’t my first choice; I wanted to travel with my husband, but I’d had this longtime dream of living in other cultures, and at 60, it felt like now or never. I chose “now,” even though it meant going on my own.

 

I was also proud of us as a couple–a rather conventional couple— deciding to do something so unconventional and so collaborative. I knew our marriage would be alright, but still… I was proud of how carefully and kindly we planned for this time apart. Arranging for visits back and forth was a big part of what made it something we could both say “yes” to.

 

And perhaps, most importantly, I was a psychotherapist who had worked with lots of couples. Writing this adventure story was a chance to show other couples that making room within a committed relationship to pursue separate paths can be a form of love.

 

Q: How would you define a “marriage sabbatical,” and do you recommend it for others?

 

A: “Marriage Sabbatical” is a catchy description for what we did. A sabbatical is a fixed period of time away (usually from work) but the term makes clear that there will be a return.

 

Many books about solo travel are written by women who are divorced or separated or widowed. My book is different in that I was in a long-term committed marriage. It was by no means a lyrical relationship. But this was not a trial separation.

 

I think a long separation would be a very poor idea for a couple whose relationship was rocky or where one or both partners were feeling ambivalent. Better to call that a trial separation. Our relationship was not on trial. 

Q: The writer Sue Shellenbarger called the book “a kind of Eat, Pray, Love for the faithfully married set.” What do you think of that comparison?

 

A: That is a wonderful question. I think that “. . .for the faithfully married set” is the important part of Sue Shellenbarger’s blurb. I believe her reference to Eat, Pray, Love is shorthand for taking a lengthy and unscripted solo adventure.

 

But there are significant differences in the goals and purposes of our journeys. While Elizabeth Gilbert was enjoying good food in Italy, I was living with families in Cuba and Indonesia and Guatemala—and living very simply.

 

While she was in an ashram, I was doing disaster relief after a deadly earthquake and working with children traumatized by a massive mudslide that buried their village. 

 

And while she was falling in love with a handsome Brazilian, I was learning how to fulfill my own independent dreams while also being protective of our marriage and respectful of my partner’s separate dreams.

 

Q: What impact did it have on you to write this book, and what do you hope readers take away from it? 

 

A: Writing a book turned out to be like putting a picture frame around many different experiences so they start to make a coherent story.

 

Fifteen years later, I still feel proud of spending a year exploring the world on my own. I tend to doubt myself and my choices. Writing this book helped me decide that the story of our marriage was one I could feel good about.

 

Also, writing about my sabbatical helped me realize that even though we weren’t aware of it at the time, Charley and I were redefining what a good marriage could look like in the second half of life: more flexible and more spacious but just as committed.

 

I hope my story will help readers get in touch with dreams of their own and feel inspired to bring them to life.

 

And I hope this book conveys something important about courage. Although friends kept telling me I was very brave, I see it differently. I think I have “shy courage.” I carry certain fears that will never go away.

 

I am still scared, but unlike when I was younger, they no longer paralyze me. I can be timid and brave. I hope my story will convince readers—especially cautious ones— that shy courage IS courage.

 

Q: What are you working on now?

 

A: I am working to birth this book and send it out into the world. I knew I was a good storyteller with a meaningful story to tell. But I had no idea that publishing a book would become a long-term project, almost as long as raising a child. (The main difference is that I won’t have to save for college tuition!)

 

I want to continue offering groups for couples in sturdy relationships to teach skills for negotiating their separate needs while also nurturing their relationship.

 

And now, I’m at another stage of life. No more writing books. Now I want to garden and swim and play with babies and be there for my friends.

 

--Interview with Deborah Kalb