Q&A with Deborah K. Shepherd

  

 

Deborah K. Shepherd is the author of the new memoir An Old Man's Darling. She also has written the novel So Happy Together. She was a social worker for many years, and she lives in Maine. 

 

Q: Why did you decide to write this memoir, and how would you describe the relationship between you and your first husband?

 

A: I was never going to write this memoir. After my first book, a novel, was published when I was 74, I really thought I was one and done.

 

There were some similarities between my real life and the narrative (I set it in Tucson, where I went to school; some of the characters were composites of people I had known) but the main story, about a woman in middle age who leaves her husband and children to pursue an old love, was complete fiction.

 

Nonetheless, I got so many questions of the “Is this about you?” ilk, that I couldn’t imagine writing a book that really was about me and my life with my 34-years-older-than-me husband.

 

Then I found a cache of letters from him and, in reading them, was transported back over 50 years to a time when we were so entranced with each other and the “miraculousness” of our relationship that we tried to write a book together. We didn’t write it though, and it would have been a very “one-note” book if we had.

 

My first husband, Bill Shepherd, was the love of my youth. We were so filled with stardust that I wonder if either one of us gave a thought to the power differential between us, and that there might be an element of manipulation.

 

Now, in the 21st century, with it all filtered through the events of the last 50 years, the headlines about powerful men and underage girls (I was of age, but at 21, barely out of adolescence) and a feminist sensibility, I can see that some of the elements of an exploitative relationship (e.g., grooming and secrecy) were present when he courted me.

 

Nevertheless, we built a life together, mostly loved each other, and raised two kind, loving, and decent children, who are contributing members of society.

 

Q: The Kirkus Review of the book called it “a thoughtful and multidimensional examination of love, power, and self that doesn’t shy away from asking difficult questions.” What do you think of that description.”

 

A: I think it’s a valid description, and I’m glad the reviewer at Kirkus “got it.” As I wrote in the book: “Looking back, it all swirls together—objectification/sexual attraction/passion/obsession/possession/desire/intimacy/love—like the tendrils of a sweet pea. If you try to separate them, you are in danger of killing the flower.”

 

Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?

 

A: The title is taken from a proverb by John Heywood, a 16th-century writer. The full text is “Better to be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave,” and implies a relationship with an older man would provide, among other things, more financial security than one with a same-age partner.

 

I was my husband’s worshipped and adored darling, but we were by no means financially secure throughout our nearly 20-year relationship. Many of our conflicts were around finances, so there is some irony in the book’s title.

 

Note: the term “slave” has been rejected in recent years, the preferred term being “enslaved person,” but the proverb was written in 1546.

 

Q: What impact did it have on you to write this memoir, and what do you hope readers take away from it?

 

A: At first, I was entranced to reread Bill’s love letters but then started to see them in an added light. I began to question some of the ways in which I’d been courted, something I had never done when we were both head-over-heels enamored with each other.

 

Some of those questions made me uncomfortable and I think I started writing the book to find some answers. Sometimes the writing of it made me weep, especially when I delved into the later years of our relationship, and sometimes it brought me great joy and gratitude for being so loved, and sometimes I asked myself  “What were you thinking?”

 

There are no easy answers. I would hope that readers not judge, but be more attuned to the grey area, that a relationship does not have to be either/or, but can be both/and. I am now more comfortable in that grey area, not just in thinking about my relationship with Bill, but in many other aspects of what it means to live as a human being on this planet.

 

Q: What are you working on now?

 

A: My first book was published when I was 74, and my second at 79. I don’t think I have another book in me, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have the bandwidth for everything that comes with launching a book into the world.

 

But I’m still writing, mostly personal essays,  some of which are being published and some just for myself. I’m really taken with the shorter form, and love telling a whole story in 1,000 words, 500 words, or even 100 words.

 

Q: Anything else we should know?

 

A: If you’re interested in reading more of my writing, my website, deborahshepherdwrites.com, provides links to my published pieces and to my blog.

 

--Interview with Deborah Kalb. Here's a previous Q&A with Deborah K. Shepherd.