Steven Scott Eichenblatt is the author of the new book Pretend They Are Dead: A Father's Search for the Truth. He is an attorney, and he lives in Orlando, Florida.
Q: What inspired you to write Pretend They Are Dead?
A: Going through a divorce, I knew there was unfinished business from my past that was hurting my relationships and causing a disconnect with my own children. I love to write but had been constrained as a lawyer to write legalese so I decided it was time to write “outside the boundaries.”
I did not want my children or anyone else’s to go through the collateral damage caused by a marriage breakup and knew I could help other families while helping myself. When my law partner joked my past would make a great movie, I decided to write about it instead.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: “Pretend They Are Dead” comes from a magazine article published in the mid-1970s called “Hellow Yellow” and written by my biological father. It describes my father’s last night with us as he had decided to give us up for adoption.
The story was sent to me 30 years after it was written and in it, my father said his psychiatrist told him it would be easier for him to “pretend they are dead” and have no further contact with us.
Meanwhile, growing up in the new family, we were never to speak of him so were also pretending he was dead although never an intentional strategy but one forced by my mom and her second husband, Richard.
Q: The psychologist and author Patricia Coughlin said of the book, “This book is a testament to courage and resilience in the face of abuse and neglect.” What do you think of that description?
A: I love her description, and would add the word determination, as I am determined to love my children and my wife with intimacy and affection.
When you live through trauma, you don’t always feel brave. You feel like you're just trying to make it through the day. But if this story reflects even a sliver of courage to someone else, then maybe it did its job.
I am still impressed by my own courage in knocking on my biological father’s door after many years, and standing up to Richard, who was abusive, when no one else would. I also think there is courage in allowing myself to be vulnerable by sharing secrets I carried for 40 years.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write the book, and what do you hope people take away from it?
A: It’s been freeing, but also terrifying. I had to relive scenes I spent most of my life trying to forget. I had to stop pretending it didn’t happen. But through the process, I found some peace.
It was also challenging reading through thousands of pages my father left behind, describing his daily life and his own struggles. He was an unhappy, tortured man who in the end, did love us but was unable to connect with me in the way fathers should.
My hope is that readers will realize their past doesn’t define them, and they’re not alone. I know many children and parents have been victimized, but they don’t have to remain victims. I believe they can use their stories to educate and help others.
It’s also important for people to know they have to learn to help themselves, to move forward, and use their trauma for good. If even one person says, “Your book helped me feel less broken,” that’s worth it.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: I’m currently working on a story about my experience as a volunteer 9-11 lawyer representing children and families of firefighters who lost parents and the heroes of Ladder 118, the source of a famous picture as they drove over the Brooklyn Bridge into the fire, and certain death.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: I want readers to know this book isn’t just about trauma—it’s also about love, self-healing, and fatherhood. I want readers to know my firm Page and Eichenblatt is still helping families every day and that no matter who or where you are, we can offer help if you are a victim of abuse or an accident.
The past shaped me, but it doesn’t own me. It made me a better father, a stronger person, and even a better lawyer. That’s what this book is about: resilience.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
Thank you, Deborah, for sharing my story. With Father's Day approaching, it's a good time to remind parents to tell their children they love them.
ReplyDeleteSo glad we could do this Q&A!
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