Susan Shapiro Barash is the author of the new book Estranged: How Strained Female Friendships Are Mended or Ended. Her many other books include Tripping the Prom Queen.
Q: What inspired you to write Estranged?
A: I began researching this book six years ago, and felt it was an important topic that had not been addressed. I kept hearing stories about women - of all ages - struggling with their friends, sisters who no longer got along and had become estranged. And how disturbing this was and how it felt like failure.
I wanted to interview a diverse group of women from across the country to hear their experiences and as a way to let other women know they were not alone.
Q: You write, “What is notable is how women of all ages are cutting their losses—and this is a departure from the recent past. Rather than avoid the decline of an important friendship, they are facing it and acting on it. They are assessing the pros and cons of what it would be like to never see the friend again. Even if it is their only recourse, there is a sense of liberation.” Can you say more about that? What accounts for this change?
A: As women have more power, live longer, reinvent themselves, and become more self-aware, their ability to leave a suboptimal friendship or sisterhood is a choice. This is about waking up and owning our decisions and seeking healthy friendships.
Q: What would you say to women who, rather than feeling liberated, mourn the loss of important friendships?
A: There is definitely loss associated with a break-up with an important friend. But there is also honesty and self-actualization. Some interviewees spoke of their grief and loss but also realized how much better off they would be without this unhappy connection. It is a process to move on, no question about that.
Q: What impact do you see the pandemic having on female friendships and estrangements?
A: The pandemic was a wake-up call; people reassessed their lives and their choices. This included their friendships. And so it had an effect indeed.
There were also issues -- did you and your friend agree on vaxxing, on masks, did you and your friend want the same thing after the pandemic -- or had such a profound experience changed each person and they were no longer in two step?
Q: What are you working on now?
A: I am working on my next novel.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: The experience of researching, interviewing, and writing Estranged was very meaningful to me personally.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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