Photo by Phil Crozier
Jessica Waite is the author of the new memoir The Widow's Guide to Dead Bastards. She lives in Calgary, Alberta.
Q: Why did you decide to write The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards?
A: I started writing just for myself, to try to make sense of what happened after my husband died and I discovered his secrets. Later, I realized there was a story worth telling—if I could overcome my robust love of personal privacy.
There were two big hills to tackle: I needed to both build my writing chops and tend to my own emotional well-being. Part of that meant advancing my understanding of grief and the science of post-traumatic growth.
It took about seven years to write and revise this manuscript. Through the process I found a wonderful community of other writers. Sharing my experience helped me heal from heartbreak and open to new possibilities.
Q: The author Martha Jo Atkins said of the book, “As Jessica Waite uncovers external and internal truths in a world rocked by her dead husband's secrets, we get a front row seat to her winding road of healing and redemption. With dark humor and impressive resolve, Jessica finds her way back from loss and betrayal to forgiveness. A powerful and inspiring story, this one. Don't miss it.” What do you think of that description?
A: I hold Dr. Martha Jo Atkins in such high esteem, it’s humbling to read her commentary. I love that she understands this story as less about its scandalous start and more about grappling to come to terms with a person who died when the relationship was in a rocky place.
What can you do when you find out your partner wasn’t who you thought they were? How does that change how you think about them and about yourself? And how do you support a grieving child in the midst of it all? It’s not for the faint of heart, let me tell you!
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: “The Widow’s Guide to Dead Bastards” was jokingly suggested by one of my late husband’s best friends. I wrote it on my whiteboard and left it there for about a year while I tested other titles (all too earnest and forgettable.) Then, with my son’s approval, I worked up the nerve to try the “joke title” on the page.
When I tell people my title they giggle nervously, then lean in. That’s the perfect setup for a story like this.
In the opening chapter, the protagonist is as angry as the name-calling suggests. But the events of the story are transformative. By the end, the title means something quite different to her. I find it satisfying when the same words can be read multiple ways.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write this memoir, and what do you hope readers take away from it?
A: Writing forced me to take on other perspectives and to challenge my default way of looking at things. It also necessitated paying careful attention to the nuances in my life and relationships.
That’s the thing I hope readers take away, the power of their own attention, especially when their intuition tells them something’s wrong, or invites them to slow down to deeply notice the wondrous moments in life.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: I’m working on some essays and reading other people’s work. Not quite ready to dive into another book-length project just yet.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: I’d love for men to know that there’s something in this book for them. Some of the most moving responses I’ve received have been from male readers (starting with caveats like “I’m probably not the target demographic…”). Despite its cheeky title, this is not a man-hating book, it’s a story about trying to find a way back to love.
P.S. My niece is a professional animator and she created an AMAZING trailer for this book.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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