Q&A with Susan Newman

 

 

 

Susan Newman is the author of the new book Just One: The New Science, Secrets, & Joy of Parenting an Only Child. Her other books include The Book of NO. A psychologist, she lives in the New York metropolitan area. 

 

Q: What inspired you to write Just One?

 

A: The birth of my son, no question about that. After I raised my ex-husband’s four children and we divorced, I remarried and had a baby.

 

Not a month into being a mother, I was bombarded with comments and insinuations—in short, to have another child. I heard, “When are you having another?” “You can’t do that to your child.” “He needs a sibling.” The sheer volume of comments got me thinking: What could be so wrong with having an only child?

 

Thus started decades of exploring the existing research and conducting my own to answer that question. Of course, the answer is “nothing.”

 

Having lived in a family with four children and then another with an only child, I feel I can be objective in evaluating what I discovered.

Q: What would you say are some of the most common perceptions and misconceptions about only children?

 

A: The most common perceptions and misconceptions are similar and primarily relate to the only child stereotypes that have prevailed since the late 1890s.

 

Fortunately, the myths that only children are spoiled, lonely, selfish, and have more imaginary friends no longer hold up. They have been disproved by the science that, in a nutshell, shows that only children are more like children with siblings than they are different—particularly around the negative labels that used to be assigned to only children.  

 

The demise of the stereotypes, especially among those of childbearing age, is especially freeing for parents and would-be parents wanting or having babies now. They don’t enter the decision-making equation as they once did.

 

Q: How did you research the book, and did you learn anything that especially surprised you?

 

A: For Just One, I conducted one-on-one interviews (on Zoom, the phone, or in person) with adult only children and parents of only children not only in the US, but in other countries from Japan to throughout Europe.

 

I made a number of discoveries: How worldwide in developed countries the shift from the traditional “Mom, Dad, two kids” to the one-child family is. That is due to cultural changes that largely affect mothers.

 

What I didn’t expect to find were clear advantages only children had by not having to share parental resources. Resources flowing to only children give them an academic edge and cultivate a close parent-child relationship that lasts long into adulthood.

 

Most surprising to me was the prevalence of only child dynasties—families with several generations of only children. Increasingly, only children are having only children and those children are following suit. This was a good solution a few decades ago and surely proving to be for the way we live now.

 

Q: What do you hope readers take away from the book?

 

A: It’s more than okay, whether by choice or circumstance, to have one child. It is, as the increasing numbers show, desirable.

 

The singleton-family is The New Normal as it becomes the dominant family size, despite government pressure and offers of incentives—I consider some bribes—to have more children and stem the falling birth rates.

 

Parents are too smart to accept short-term offers when the cost of raising children is so high and programs like childcare are in short supply if existing or affordable at all.  

 

Q: What are you working on now?

 

A: I am focusing much of my time on getting people to realize you are a parent whether you have one child or more…and to reassure those with one child that it is more a parent’s approach and nurturing that affects how children turn out than the number of siblings they may or may not have.

 

In other words, siblings are not essential for healthy child development. The enormous popularity of the one-child family makes me think that it’s time for a new project.

 

Q: Anything else we should know?

A: Just One is packed with personal stories that readers will relate to, will say that’s how I feel or that’s where I’m at.

 

I wrote the book with two goals in mind: to help people “on the fence” or unsure about having an only child, and for those who seek guidance in raising their only child to be competent, resilient, independent—and yes, content.

 

--Interview with Deborah Kalb