Rob Tonkin is the author of the new memoir Asshole: Wild Stories of Trauma, Truths, and Transformation. He spent many years working in the entertainment marketing industry.
Q: What inspired you to write this memoir?
A: I spent a long time wrestling with the decision to write this book, simply because I wrote it from my heart. I didn't aim for a specific genre, group of people, or category. Part of it was for myself, for the catharsis of finally piecing my story together, but I also had this hope that maybe, just maybe, it could help someone else, too.
As I started to write, I had a startling realization: my life, in its chaotic and messy glory, felt less like a quiet memoir and more like a rock-and-roll biography. It was filled with stories so wild they seemed like something a celebrity might have experienced.
Ultimately, something in my gut told me that by sharing these unbelievable moments, mixed with all the uncomfortable truths and raw vulnerability, I had a compelling book on my hands.
Q: How was the book’s title chosen, and what does it signify for you?
A: Finding the right title was a whole journey in itself. I had a long list of them, but they were all pretty boring, with themes like redemption and survival, or some inside joke that was a twist on my old rock and roll nickname. None of them clicked.
So, in a moment of desperation, I went to a few of my "marketing genius" friends for help. Of course, I made them read a draft of the book first.
One of them sat me down and, very slowly and deliberately, pitched a few ideas. The moment I heard it, I knew. But what sealed the deal was the image of the little boy on the cover, juxtaposed with the title, which immediately sparked controversy. Then, when people started to question the cover, I knew it was the right one.
The word “asshole” itself has so many meanings, but for me, as a title, it had an air of disruption that felt right. I learned what an asshole person meant from a very young age, saw them in action, and then, at some point, I became one.
It wasn't until I had the humbling realization that I was one, and committed to changing that, that the word took on a truly visceral meaning for me. That's why the title is so perfect—it's the core of my journey.
Q: Did you need to do any research to write the book, or did most of it come from your own memories?
A: Mostly, it came from my memories, but as you can imagine, a life lived the way mine was can be a little blurry. So, I started with the physical artifacts—I had albums full of photos that triggered so many memories.
I was also fortunate to have a transcribed interview I did with my father a few years before he passed away, and I spoke with other family members and friends to help recall their memories of certain events.
After that, the research focused on fact-checking my own life. I spent a lot of time re-checking my memory, looking up old venues, specific dates, and making sure I was accurate about things like song release dates. I built a timeline to make sure the story had continuity and that the truth was never sacrificed for the sake of a better story.
Q: What impact did it have on you to write the book, and what do you hope
readers take away from it?
A: The most significant impact of writing the book was a tremendous sense of accomplishment and, honestly, a kind of peace. Writing this chronicle of my life has given me a level of acknowledgment and helped me a lot in the self-love department.
It's a bit strange, though—meeting with people who've read the book. They know so much more about my story than I do about theirs, and there’s a specific vulnerability in that.
My first hope is that readers are simply entertained, and that they find parts of my story to be relatable, even if the circumstances are a bit wild.
The best possible outcome—the thing that would mean the most to me—is for a reader to reach out and say the book not only resonated with them, but it also inspired them to examine something in their own life and decide to make a positive change.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: Right now? This interview, obviously! Kidding, mostly. In all seriousness, since the book came out, I've been keeping pretty busy. I've been a guest on several podcasts and have written a few guest articles, and I also write a weekly essay for my Substack. Additionally, I’m a streaming media critic for Media Play News magazine.
All of that keeps my plate pretty full, and while I have ideas brewing for a couple of other books, for now, I’m just taking things one day at a time.
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: I've learned a lot in this process, and the biggest takeaway is this: the independent publishing world, unless you have the skills, time, and energy to do everything yourself, is much more expensive than I ever anticipated.
Having gone through every single step of creating, launching, and nurturing a book project, I have a newfound respect for everyone in the publishing world—from the dedicated self-publishers who manage to pull it all off on their own to the traditional houses that make it happen on a grand scale.
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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