Lauren Rubenstein is the author of the children's book Visiting Feelings. A licensed clinical psychologist, she is also a yoga and mindfulness teacher. Rubenstein, who is based in Bethesda, Maryland, has traveled frequently to Haiti to work with children there.
Q: Why did you decide to write Visiting Feelings, and
what is the importance of mindfulness for children?
A: The first lines of Visiting Feelings “visited” me while I
was in savasana (relaxation) at the end of a yoga class. I was inspired by
Rumi’s “Guest House” poem (which I couldn’t convince my editor to include in
the book):
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-- Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks
Richard Miller’s practice of Integrative Restoration, or
iRest, also inspired me. A form of yoga nidra or “yogic sleep,” it is a
beautiful guided meditation practice that takes Rumi one step further, asking
us to experience feelings with all of our senses, using the non-judgmental
observation skills that are at the heart of mindfulness. So we invite a
feeling in for a “play date,” in children’s terms.
Finally, learning how to process feelings is a skill I wish I had been taught as a child. Many adults are still working on the ability to experience a feeling, engage with it, explore where it lives in the body -- all while knowing it is there for a visit but will not take up permanent residence.
I hope children learn to appreciate that when strong
feelings visit, they are only a part of their experience, not their whole
experience. Just like when we tell a child his behavior was “bad” but he is not
bad, we can feel sadness but not be defined or consumed by it. This can help us
meet any situation or set of feelings with greater equanimity.
We are always admonishing children, “Calm down!” “Relax!”
“Don’t worry!” “Stop being upset!” – but we don’t always give them the tools to
process difficult emotions. And, as a culture, we tend to label the positive
emotions as Good and the negative emotions as Bad, which makes us a bit phobic
about feelings like rage or envy.
But all emotions are passing sensations, and they are all
part of the human experience. Just like the old story about going on a
bear hunt, we can’t go over them, can’t go under them – we have to go through
our emotions. Mindfulness can help children (as well as adults) experience and
process emotions rather than suppress or flee from them, which is often
ineffective.
Q: What can adults do to help kids learn mindfulness
techniques?
A: It is so helpful for parents, teachers, and other adults
who work with children to learn mindfulness practices for themselves. If the
adults use it as a “technique” it is much less effective than if they embrace
it as a practice.
In other words, “Teach what you know.” There are enough
different forms and flavors of mindfulness practice that everyone can find one
that resonates. Translating adult mindfulness to children’s practices can be a
fun exercise in creativity, as the explosion of resources suggests.
A: Following Haiti’s 2010 earthquake, some of the board
members of Go Give Yoga (named YogaKids Bridge of Diamond at that time)
travelled to Haiti and set up a yoga program for children at Partners in
Development, a non-profit serving people living in extreme poverty.
On their return they sent an e-mail blast with the story of
their trip, and asked for yoga teachers who might be interested in
volunteering. I was the first to respond! This type of adventure was totally
out of character for me, and I had no doubt it would be a one-time thing – but
the universe apparently had other plans, as I look forward to my seventh trip….
Q: How was illustrator Shelley Hehenberger selected to work
on your book?
A: My publisher, American Psychological Association’s
Magination Press, directed me to the websites of a handful of illustrators. The
minute I saw Shelley’s work I knew she was The One. The editor contacted her
and reported back to me that she was too expensive – which was so
disappointing!
Fortunately, Shelley got back to the editor and said she
liked the book so much that she was willing to negotiate.
Q: What are you working on now?
A: Two books are “visiting” me. Visiting Thoughts teaches children how to work with thoughts; Shelley is eagerly anticipating a draft to begin illustrating.
The second project is a breath and yoga book for children
inspired by Pat Gerbarg and Dick Brown’s Breath~Body~Mind work (www.breath-body-mind.com).
Q: Anything else we should know?
A: There are lots of suggested exercises at the back of the
book. Please also visit the website, www.visitingfeelings.com,
for a blog post on more fun exercises to accompany the book – and I encourage
readers to let me know what creative ideas they come up with for visiting
emotions.
Finally, readers can exchange ideas and learn new
mindfulness activities by following Visiting Feelings on Facebook.
Thank you for Visiting!
--Interview with Deborah Kalb
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