Q&A with Sondra R. Brooks

 

 

 

Sondra R. Brooks is the author of the new memoir Not Good Enough Girl: A Memoir of an Inconvenient Daughter. She lives in Pittsboro, North Carolina.

 

Q: What inspired you to write Not Good Enough Girl?

 

A: When my mother's sixth husband died, I felt broadsided by the amount of guilt, anger, and disturbing childhood memories that arose, and I decided to return to therapy. 

 

When my new therapist asked what brought me to him, I didn't mention my stepfather's death. Instead, I burst into tears and said, "I don't think my mother loves me." The statement shocked me; I'd never acknowledged the possibility before.

 

It caused a seismic shift in how I interpreted my past and the control and influence I'd allowed my mother to have over me. I wrote to better understand my life and the choices I'd made.

 

I never could have imagined the emotional energy writing the book required, demanding that pain and anger be dredged up and processed. Writing the book became one of the most healing acts of my life.

 

Q: How would you describe the dynamic between you and your mother?

 

A: While writing the memoir, I saw that I'd lived decades of my life as an extension of my mother. I was shocked at the extent to which I allowed her to control me, even convincing me to stay in my decades-long toxic marriage.

 

When I started therapy again and finally felt strong enough to file for divorce, my mother wasn't at all pleased with the unfamiliar and steel-enforced boundaries I put in place. My second husband replaced her as the epicenter of my life, and this caused further tension.

 

Then, a stroke not only affected the language center of her brain but altered her personality. When memories of the mother of my past surface, they feel unattached to the mother I now know.

 

But I finally feel safe enough to let down my guard and get to know my "new" mother, who is much more fragile and childlike. I think we've finally reached a detente.

 

Q: How was the book's title chosen, and what does it signify for you?

 

A: Oh my gosh, the number of titles we considered! At first, all title ideas centered around my mother. An astute relative of mine who read the first draft said, "But the book isn't about your mother." What? How could the book not be about my mother? What part of my life hadn't involved my mother?

 

But titles that dealt with familial dysfunction were either too specific or too generalized to do the book's theme(s) any justice. It was the publisher---She Writes Press---who came up with Not Good Enough Girl: A Memoir of an Inconvenient Daughter. They were able to see the themes more objectively, of course.

 

Why do I feel the title perfectly represents the book? I learned at an early age that I had value as long as I lived up to others' expectations of me. I grew up in the fine arts, a world of auditions and brutal competition.

 

I earned my first stepfather's approval by singing and dancing. I hoped to earn my mother's love and approval by being a perfect extension of her. No matter where I turned, there were demands for rigid compliance to others' expectations.

 

And a performance-based sense of self-worth naturally drew me to a husband who reinforced this metric. After only a few years of marriage, I lost all sense of self. My mother's actions showed me more and more often through the years that she would include me in her life only when it was convenient to do so.  

 

Q: What impact did it have on you to write this memoir, and what do you hope people take away from it?

 

A: If I could go back and give my young self only one piece of advice, it would be DON'T BE AFRAID.  

   

Q: What are you working on now?

 

A: A compilation of memoir-essays. There wasn't a place or adequate space in the memoir to bring some of my family members and friends to life.

 

Although the reader meets Patsy, my stepmother, she had a tragic backstory I couldn't relate. I didn't include my adored friend "Tater" who was murdered at the age of 19 and whose killer was never found. Alma, my grandmother who decorated our entire house in purple and turquoise, was once engaged to four men at the same time while continuing to date others.

 

My quirky and fractured family provides a wealth of subjects to write about. There's a good reason why one of the title considerations for the book was Spectacular Faults!!!

 

--Interview with Deborah Kalb